Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
