You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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