I think I won the penis lottery.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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