$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
