Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
