It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
