Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
