So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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