Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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