I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
