my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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