yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
