i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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