happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
