its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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