when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
