She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
