Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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