It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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