I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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