Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
