You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
