i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
