so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
People in love make me want to vomit
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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