I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
