Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
