I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
