Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
