Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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