You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
