Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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