i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Randomize
