Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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