How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If I die, sorry about rent.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
