i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
