I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
