Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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