the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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