I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
