What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
