Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
