hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
