I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
there is glitter all over my balls
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