Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
