____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
