You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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