What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
