Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
wow bdsm is so cute
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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