dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
