youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
