if you like me you must not know who I am
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
